To be continued...

I pushed it off that whole week because this friend was always there. I did not think it was that big of deal to have to call her right then when the voice told me too. Well, I should have because I got a call from a mutual friend of ours that she died the week after I heard that voice to call her. I was crushed, I never ever thought she would do that NEVER! But she did it, she took her own life. I was devastated and in shock. I was in disbelief to be honest. I really was stuck in limbo for a while. Then I remembered the voice and the guilt of not calling ate at me for a long time. I do not how long I cried but it was years. Once she came to me in my dreams and at first, she was always in the background with a big smile. When I woke up, I would wonder why she never said anything. She showed in periodically in my dreams, always the same in the background with a big smile. I would wake and be sad but I knew she was ok. Then one dream she did talked Fto me and I told her I missed her and I wanted her to come back, she said she cannot but that she is happy where she is. I started to cry but I said OK as long as you are alright, then I woke up and felt peace. I still cry when I think of her sometimes because I missed my chance to hear her voice and laugh one last time but I know she is in a better place. I feel at peace with her passing, now I rarely see her in my dreams. I do think of her from time to time and thank her for her friendship. I do feel her when I do think of her. I know she is around and not far.

               Let me go back to my grandma, I do not even know where to start to talk about this lady. She was the only grandparent I ever knew. She was my dad’s mom. My mom’s parents passed before my siblings and I were born and they lived in Korea. So, grandma Kasie was it. She was such a good one too. She was feisty but kind. She did not take shit from anyone. She was sensitive as well and could sense spirits. She made everything out of curry 😊!! So, if I smell curry I think of her. She was from Trinidad/Tobago and then she moved to New York when my father was a young boy. When she got enough money, she sent for her kids to live with her. My dad grew up in New York from his early teens until he graduated from high school and joined the Air Force. He got stationed in Korea and met my mom in the 1970s. My sister was born in 1978, myself in 1980 and my little brother in 1983. Grandma came to live with us when my brother was born and we lived in Hawaii. She lived with us for a long time. I grew up with her for the most part. She called me “papoose” because when I was born, I looked like a Native American baby and that is what they called their infants. She only gave me that nickname. Sometimes my dad would but mostly it was grandma. When I became a teenage, she thought I was too old to be called that so she stopped. I told her she can always call me that I did not mind. Over the years she would call me by both my name and papoose. She did not live with us all our lives. She did live in California for a long time because we ended up moving to South Dakota because my dad was in the military and she came with but it was too cold for her and her arthritis so she moved to California to live with her daughter until she was starting to show signs of early dementia. My dad moved her back to South Dakota and she stayed with me for about a year until I could not take care of her anymore even with the help of care takers during the day while I worked. She would get up in the middle of night and want to go back to Trinidad and she fell a few times. She needed 24-hour care and we could not provide it for her at home. Dementia is a horrible disease; I did not know how to deal with my grandma being like a little kid. I did not know this person but then again, I did and she knew me. My dad found a good assisted- living home for her about 40 minutes away and we visited on weekends. She was being treated well. I hated leaving her there, she was happy to see us and still knew who we were. I do not think her dementia was that far advance that she did not recognize my dad and I. She was only there for a year when a stroke took her and she passed on March 8, 2017. That was such a hard day for us all. I just found out a week before that my dog King has bone cancer in his wrist and was advised to put him down. I just could not. I just could not think about it after my grandma just died. I needed him. I had no one there with me. I lived alone with him.....